This is scary. I'm not working yet, not even in 5th yr, but already the sight of Ninewells, of the wards, of ward rounds, of consultants, of patients, of the endless corridors...they all make me sick...

*shudder*

But as Lena said: if you're not doing Medicine now, could you imagine yourself doing anything else? And if you really could imagine yourself doing something else, can you guarantee that you'll like it more than Medicine?? And indeed, I can't find answers to those qns.

But honestly, this is a terrible feeling. Waking up in the morning, walking to hospital, going to the wards, driven not by a passion to want to be a good doctor, but by the fear that you'll fail your exams if you don't go to the wards to learn. And every morning I have to renew my faith and ask God to remind me again that all these is not in vain.

I remember walking back from hosp last Fri on the verge of tears, asking God for answers. What happened to my passion? Or did I have any to start off with? And as I sat in front of my study table, pouring out my heart to God, He asked me in return: have you surrendered all? where does your confidence come from? why are you trying to be strong on your own?

And yes, it's very very tiring. it's so easy to sing 'you alone are God, and I surrender to your ways' (chorus from Jesus, lover of my soul, 1 Day), but how much do I actually mean it?