A title before the name

Thank you to all the well-wishers. Hmmm...it feels quite odd actually, feels like it was just yesterday that I was still a 4th year medical student struggling to keep afloat. I don't think I've actually caught on yet with the fact that I have indeed graduated and am now a qualified doctor.

Um, it feels as if I should really say something more to mark the end of this phase of my life. But somehow, words are just evading me now. So, think I'll just leave it at that.

"Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." -Psalm 40:5

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." -Psalm 115:1

"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you." -Psalm 139:16-18

Pre-exam to Exam to Post-exam

It's a pretty exciting and nerve wrecking experience, to have a viva exam as your exit exam. To think that a whole 5 years of medical school comes to an end (hopefully!) with a 40 minute long viva with 2 examiners. The following are some random stuff that happened in the past week:

1. Dressed up all smartly for the viva and felt pretty proud of myself. As Lena said, 'Do you think our moms will be proud to see us dressed so nicely?' Yeap, I think our parents will definitely be quite pleased :)



Got very very bad blisters on both of my foot soles from Eileen's high heel court shoes though...how can people wear them to work?! Hmmm, and I think I looked more like a lawyer than a doctor-to-be.

2. Went for my viva conducted by two examiners - 1 was a highly reputable oncology professor, another a paediatrician who's really into research. Was having a bad sore throat the day before the exam and even on that morning itself. But as always, God delivers in due time and it cleared perfectly by the time I entered the viva room. Hmmm...didn't really heed Jack's advice though, which went something like this:

Jack: Aiky, kanchiong for your viva or not?
Aiky: Um...ok. just having sore throat.
J: Oh, then can impress them with your deep sexy voice.
A: Uh...Jack, one examiner is a female professor, another is a married paediatrician who's originally from India.
J: Oh...like that ah...ok. Remember to bring curry powder then.
A: ...............

The viva went on quite alright. Could feel my heart thumping, almost bursting out of my rib cage when I was in the waiting area, but once I stepped into the room, God's peace was tangible :) Results will be out in 9 hours. All is in God's hands.

3. Baked and baked after the viva. Alex said it's a sign of becoming domesticated. And we decided that it's a UK thing, that most M'sian girls who come to the UK to study will learn to cook or bake well.


Aiky's Banana Choc Chip Muffins

4. Spent an evening at Linda's place having satay (yes! you heard me right! home made satay and peanut sauce) and then relaxed, talked, prayed. It really struck me how wonderful it is to just spend unhurried time praying with another sister in christ...well...Linda's not exactly a sister...more like a mother. Heh. And I realised how much I just miss being in God presence and just being in awe of all His goodness that He has placed in my life this far.

5. Finally borrowed books from the Central Library to study for my Driving Theory Test. The next step is to actually open them and start to read them. The passing mark is 30 out of 35. I tried the mock test online, and scored....17.
Mmmm...think I really should start reading.

6. Bought a really good quality, comfy, pretty stylish GAP jumper. Original price was 32pounds, got it for only 10 pounds. But since the weather's getting warmer, think I'll tuck it away till October.

7. Watched a Jap anime movie 'My Neighbour Totoro' and it's brilliant! Think i watched it before when I was in Japan, but really worth watching it again.



Hmmm...can't really think of anything else.

Was browsing through my pictures the other day. And found this:

Lena in September 2005


Lena in October 2006


Some things don't really change.

Grace giver vs selfish gainer

"Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:7-8

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us ....God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. -1 John 4


Had a non-medical conversation last night with 2 of my dear housemates (rare indeed!), which served as a wake up call to me, mostly regarding a lot of my own selfish thoughts, that was manifesting in a lot of things I do that could hurt, and has already hurt the people around.
Hmmm...not very nice indeed.

God calls us to be grace givers - and the simple meaning of grace means God's FREE and UNMERITED favour and love. And His grace is not only for me, or just believers, but it is for everyone, including that person you have difficulty loving, the sister in christ that you know is sinning, the one next to you whom you bear a grudge with. Our God, in all His power and majesty, is able to love all of us sinners unconditionally, so how come we as humans find it so hard to just love one another and ask for nothing in return?

Learn, Aiky, learn.

Oh and also...the world doesn't revolve around me. It is not about my feelings or thoughts. What gave me the right to direct my stress at the people around and lash out at them??

Ah...much to learn, much to grow.

Maker of heaven & earth, a loving Father

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-
while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?

Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

Job 38:4-11, 33

Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?
"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Isaiah 40:14, 25-26


Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause if disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strenth to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:27-29


I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121



On a day-to-day basis, do we walk in constant awareness that our God, the loving Father, is also the maker of heaven and earth, and the creator of all creatures? Yet in all His power and majesty, He is also the loving Father who takes great delight in every single one of His children on earth and quiets us with his love (Zep 3:17).

Do we choose to live in an uncertainty that God is unable to solve our problems, or do we choose to exalt the great I AM and proclaim that our God is the unfailing One who is mighty to save? Do we limit God to our human perspective of what God is, or do we choose to stand in awe of His power and admit that the human mind can never fathom the awesome greatness of his plans?

Are we touched by the simple truth that the Maker of all heaven and earth is the One who loves and cares for us unconditionally?

My immune system is working...too well

It was finally a great nice sunny day in Dundee after a whole week long of winter-like weather (even though it's already May). So I decided to go for a run and bask in the glorious sun that my pasty white skin is so much in need of.

The run and sun were good......

until 2 hours later when I started sniffing non-stop, and my nostrils itched, and I started sneezing relentlessly. And in Saw Sian's words, 'I could hear your taufan-ic sneeze from my room'. Oh man, never knew I had hay fever. (Actually come to think of it, the air did smell weird when I ran.)
Anyways, none of my housemates had any non-sedative antihistamines. And since the sniffing was really affecting my concentration, plus my housemates were watching tv, I decided to abandon my plan to study and go have some Haagen Daz, stored in the fridge in our garage.

The icecream was good......

until the garage door slammed shut on my middle finger when I went to put the ice cream back. So now I have a itchy runny Rudolph nose and a throbbing middle finger.

It was my neighbour Tim who came to the rescue in the end and gave me two kinds of non-sedative anti histamines. Well, still trying to hold them off, just in case they turn out to be sedative to me. Oh and Tim was also the one who gave me this picture, which cracks me up everytime I see it.



Although my housemates couldn't do anything from me, they were still the supportive bunch (like what they usually are) who never fails to see the funny side of everything.

Saw Sian: Aiky, you ok?
Me: Yeap.
SS: You want some rabbit food? (with a straight face)
Aiky: Huh?
SS: Rabbit food for rabbit to treat HAY fever.
Aiky : -_-"


Couldn't really see the connection.
Anyway, the day wasn't too bad actually considering I got to speak to John who is back in Malaysia :) Hmmm, right, should really go back to my work.

Security

Was speaking to a non-believer and she was talking about wanting to find security in herself and not needing to find affirmation or validation from an external source. And it triggered something in me, partly because I used to be that person too, and that was the main reason I came to Christ in the first place, coz it was simply so tiring and unfulfilling to always want to seek acceptance in man.

But I think what triggered me more was to suddenly realise...it's even more tiring to not be secure as a child of God after you have accepted Christ. I've felt that on more occasions than one...of always feeling you're not good enough to be a light for God, that you've said something that has hurt someone and have not been a good testimony, that God calls you to be this and that...but you're not really able to make it. And you've ultimately failed God.

But that's what grace is for...isn't it? to know that God accepts me all the same, forgiving my weaknesses and sins and of the many times when I've failed. That's why Philip Yancey wrote that Grace is almost as if it's something obscene - it's being loved even when you know you don't deserve it at all. That's why it's so hard for the human mind to understand and accept grace, coz the world doesn't function that way, the world doesn't give anything away for free.

If I were to be honest more often, I'd say I'm tired and weary. That maybe I've not been fully convicted of Ephesians 2:8-10
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boost. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

It is always nice and heart warming to read the story of the prodigal son - of how the son turned so far away but was still received with open arms and given the most abundant blessings when he ran back to the father. But sometimes I wonder, how many of us can actually identify with that prodigal son and truly believe that there is a father waiting for us with open arms?

I was reading this article the other day and came across this sentence: "it wasn't too difficult to acknowledge that God is smarter and greater than I am. It was much tougher to convince my flesh that I was not as smart as I thought and that my ways would lead to death." Very true indeed.

And this is it....

Ah...it's all in here. My 5th year portfolio, a concoction of evidence to prove to the examiners that I am ready. For all the effort, sleepless nights, neckache from staring at the laptop hours after hours, must say I am actually quite proud of it. Really wasn't easy.

And for the most kiasu reason, at the end of it, we started comparing how thick each other's portfolios were. And complaining that we really can't stuff anything in anymore or risk getting the first few pages torn by the two side holders. Heh...you know you're an Asian when you start saying stuff like that. Sometimes I really wonder whether it's worth putting in so much effort when you look around and you see your same Ang Moh year mates all chilling out...not half as worried about the portfolio as you. I don't know...maybe striving is the only way us Asians know how to work and do well.

The next hurdle will be the final and most crucial one, in 8 days time. The 40 minute long VIVA. I think it's going to be ok.

So this is it?

On the last day of formal medical education...

Diet of bread and endless caffeine.

The occasional chocolate (stored nearby) when bread in kitchen seems too far.

The relentless sound of typing and a sturdy laptop.

12 reflection outcomes
3000-word systematic review completed in 3 days

Sleep deprivation

Looming must-pass progress test

Portfolio exam - it makes or breaks one's future, for real

A wish that more time could be spent with someone else, and a wish that that wish need not be concealed.

A dire lack of medical knowledge.

Doubts of capability.

I wonder, if I knew all these thoughts would crop up the night before my last day of formal medical education, would I still sign up for med sch? Was it really worth it? Will it really be worth it? Amidst doubts, there is at least one certainty:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28