The days when melancholy reigns

'In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.' 2 Tim 2:20-21

i'm tired. sometimes i look at people around me and question my ability to be that gold and silver, and whether i'm just wood and clay. and it greatly saddens me that i might just be that after all. pardon my arrogance but i was never good at being a small fish in a big pond, and currently, i do feel like a tiny weeny fish trying to swim to the surface.
it's odd coz i know this is exactly what the Devil wants: to allow the spirit of inferiority and inconfidence to gain a foothold on me all over again. there's this profound fear of medrocracy that i'm trying so hard to fight, but at the same time, it's taking hold of me. and i must admit, at times it is so tempting to just say: God, i give up, i'm not good enough, i'll just be contented being a mediocre person.
but no, i don't think i'll ever give Screwtape that pleasure. God still wins after all.

⁵"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. ⁹"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. ¹¹I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. John 15: 5-11